Happy Worship of Tools Day, Bro

It’s that time of year again, brah! 

That’s right– March 11 is National Worship of Tools Day!

Some losers may spend this holiday huddled over the workbench in the basement, merrily sanding wood or bolting nuts, but you know the true reason for the season is to celebrate the Douchebro Nation! And showing your pride is easy on this high holy day.

First, you gotta give mad respect to the real tools. Be sure to give proper thanks today to the true masters, representing of all flavors of Tooldom, who paved the way for bros like you:

Don’t stop there. National Worship of Tools Day isn’t just about the greats; it’s about you. Here are a few ways to ring in the hottest day of the year, whether you’re at the club (jyeah!) or stuck at home (lamesauce!):

  • Put on your best Ed Hardy T and your favorite studded belt. Be sure to tilt that baseball cap you’re wearing at a stylishly jaunty angle!
  • Commemorate the holiday with those near and dear to you, gathered around the upright piano in front of a blazing fire, singing along to the National Tool Anthem (Chris Brown’s “Look At Me Now,” of course).
  • What’s better than your nightly Jägerbomb? Ten Jägerbombs! Be sure to make a toast to your fellow bros before downing each bomb, and remember, on National Worship of Tools Day, throwing up at the club is good luck!
  • How can you celebrate the dopest holiday of the year with your collar at half-mast? Pop that collar (or preferably both collars) high!

If you don’t already have a tattoo that’s visible at all times, then National Worship of Tools Day is the perfect opportunity to show your devotion to the Douchebro Nation. Don’t know what kind of tatt you want emblazoned on your bod forever? You can’t go wrong with these best bets:

  • Some kind of Asian character, the bigger the better. Who cares what it means.
  • If you want to show everybody that your arms are mad ripped, then a circle of barbed wire or thorns around a bicep is the way to go. Bonus points if it’s Asian-inspired somehow.
  • The fire-breathing dragon is the mascot of Worship of Tools Day, but if that’s a little bro-there-done-that for you, how about a hashtag-breathing dragon? #swag
  • Basically, anything Asian-ish will work.

Remember, National Worship of Tools Day may only come once a year, but the toolbag spirit can live on in your heart all year long. And if you wake up tomorrow feeling hungover and bummed out in the wake of another Worship of Tools Day gone by, don’t worry your gelled-up little head about it. #NationalDouchebagAwarenessMonth is right around the corner!

Swag on, douchebro.

–Amy Farley


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