If you’re like me, then your favorite part of election season is getting into a heated political Facebook debate with an ex-coworker, a friend of a friend you met once at a birthday brunch, and the guy you used to buy weed from in college. Even though you know that your measured, reasoned arguments have a poor chance of getting through their thick skulls long enough to change their minds about when life begins or the best way to commit voter fraud, you still like to try. During election season, we’re all whipped up into a frenzy of giving-a-shit for a brief period of time, and we like to let the world know!
And why shouldn’t we? You’re entitled to your opinion. And I’m entitled to fact check that opinion on a website and regurgitate what I’ve Googled in ALL CAPS. That’s what Facebook is for…well, that, and promoting improv shows.
With the election reaching its dramatic conclusion, we’ll soon be left with a status update topic vacuum. Sure, we can fill that void for a while with Instagrams of our “I Voted” stickers, but that can’t last. Mama America is full-term, and she’s going to push out a President, leaving us all to deal with our POTUS postpartum.
Take heart, dear friends! Automatic Improv is here to see you through to the other side! Here are 3 things you can Facebook about with the same fervor as the most important election of our lifetimes:
1. Unbelievable Weather Events
Weather has always been a small talk staple. It’s quite an accessible topic…perfect for Facebook. When the weather does exceptionally crazy things, our status updates can become truly captivating. Sandy, for instance, made for some interesting Facebook posts in large part because it affected New York City, a place most people have either visited or recognize as the setting of Men in Black II.
New York City’s subway system was completely flooded. Millions of people were displaced and commerce had come to a standstill. Even David Letterman was forced to broadcast his show without an audience; something that hadn’t been done in late night since Conan O’Brien took over The Tonight Show.
This isn’t Haiti or Louisiana. This is the Big Apple. If a hurricane can make landfall there, it can make it anywhere. Nowadays Mother Nature is a mad scientist. And whether you believe it’s due to green house gasses or the gays, the fact is: climate patterns are changing.
So when a volcano erupts in Disney World, a Franken-Tsunami shoots Las Vegas into space or whatever other crazy natural disaster occurs, as it’s apparently bound to, feel free to let your Facebook friends know you care, because, hey, you know some people there. You know people in lots of places, and they revere you not only for your good looks, but also for your compassion.
Also, can you believe how cold it’s getting? I’m totes ready for summer like NOW.
Christmas was invented by Jesus to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder. In all His wisdom, He knew we’d need something to divert our attention from the annual frozen Nightland Hellscape that is winter. Boozy eggnog and sweaters “with great personalities” at least keep us distracted, if not altogether happy.
What the Son of Man did not count on, however, was retailers’ ability to inch the reminders of the holiday shopping season closer and closer to Halloween each year. Because of this, it is your charge- nay, your sacred duty– to report all instances of anachronistic Christmas ads and displays to your Facebook friends on sight!
I mean, it’s not even THANKSGIVING, yet! Pump yo breaks, Hobby Lobby. #IJS
3. Thoughtful Insights Into The Human Condition
Isn’t the true goal of social media to connect people? We’re blessed to live in an age wherein we have the ability to maintain an ambient awareness of the goals, struggles, and goings-on of each and every person that has ever crossed our paths in some meaningful way. If we share openly and honestly, then maybe, just maybe we can improve the human race a little bit…together.
Psyche! Oh man, I could barely write that last paragraph with a straight (type)face. Here’s the real #3:
Don’t over think it: Just post pics of your kids! Don’t have a kid? Post a pic of yourself as a youngster, because nobody else was cute when they were 5 except for you! Plus, it allows all your friends to see how wild you were…even back then.
TOO F’ING CUTE!! #hashtag