An Open Letter to the Undecided Voter

Which is which?

Vote or Don’t

This week here at Automatic Improv we’re rolling out our “Campaign for 1000 Likes” on Facebook. We want to earn your “Like” just like the Presidential candidates are trying to earn your vote. However, there are those out there who have difficulty making decisions, and we want to make things easy! Automatic Improv’s Facebook page offers weekly blog entries, sketch comedy videos, show information, and ticket deals. The Presidential candidates offer some things as well. So, on the day of the third and final Presidential debate we’d like to address the undecided voters of America, in the simplest terms possible.

Dear Sir or Madam:

If you’re reading this, then it’s probably safe to assume two things:

1)      You know how to work the internet.

2)      You can read.

This is a great start! You’re already on your way to deciding between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney.

Actually, I apologize. Perhaps I’ve made too much of a leap in assuming that you are familiar enough with the candidates to not only recognize their names, but know which is which. The last thing I want to do here is scare you off by jumping to a conclusion of any kind.

So let’s walk this back a bit.

romney

This is a Mitt

One of the candidates is named Mitt Romney. He’s the Republican nominee. He’s the one who looks like his name would be Mitt Romney. If I walked him up to you, and asked you to guess if his name was either Mitt or any other name in the world, you would answer “Mitt” before I even finished asking the question.

obama

Pronounced “o-BAH-mah”

The other candidate is named Barack Obama. He is currently the President of the United States (your country of residence, also sometimes called “America.”) He’s the one you saw on SportsCenter filling out a March Madness bracket a few months back. If you kind of recognize him from the sticker on the back of your neighbor’s pickup truck, you’ll notice that he doesn’t actually have a Hitler-style mustache.

So, to recap:

Barack = clean-shaven, currently President

Mitt = Mitt

These gentlemen are the two major candidates for President of the United States.

Pardon me again. I realize I’ve made another leap in assuming that you are accustomed to words like “President”, and “candidates”, or phrases like “of the”, to the point of true comprehension.

Like all good undecided voters, I want to make sure I’m thorough. I should explain that the “President” is the one who is in charge of the country, sort of. He’s the one who promises to do things to help you, but then is usually unable to do so. Kind of like your brother-in-law, Jeff.

Whereas Jeff reneges on his promises because he is lazy and a bit of a lush, the office of President is unable to keep its promises because his hands are tied by things like powerful lobbies (not the kind in a hotel), and filibustering (a real word).

So to recap:

A President is the” Jeff” of the country, except he has a job.

Moving right along, to help you decide which of the candidates to vote for, I will run through a comprehensive list of their platforms and…

Damn it! Jumped ahead again…

To “vote” for a candidate is to formally express your support for them through a super secret ballot (sounds fun, right?!) that makes you one of hundreds of millions to stand with one candidate or the other. Voting is like being a really empowered piece of hay in a giant haystack.

In conclusion, flip a coin and just make a decision already.

Yours,
Automatic Improv

P.S. Voting may be difficult and complicated, but liking Automatic Improv on Facebook couldn’t be easier. Please share us with your friends. Tell them to like us and we’ll wash your car!*

*We may not be able to actually wash your car once you’ve liked us, due to the machinations of the powerful “squeegee” lobby.

— JOHN MANGAN

Advertisements

Yes, and...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s